On Monday, Donald Trump, president of these United States, told reporters attending a briefing that he had been invited to throw out the first pitch for the Yankees in their series against the Nationals on August 15.
It would have been a momentous occasion. A chance to see the strength of our leadership on full display for the world. A stable genius on the mound, undoubtedly throwing a 100 mph fastball right down the middle of the strike zone. A pitch so incredible that the greatest hitters of our generation would say “that is the most incredible pitch I’ve ever seen in baseball history,” and “there is no way in hell any professional athlete could ever make contact with that thing.”
Of course, liberal bias and fake news is trying to ruin what would have been an inspirational moment for the millions of Americans affected by coronavirus or lost loved ones to the virus.
On Tuesday the New York Times published a salacious article alleging that the Yankees never asked Trump to throw out the first pitch. That our president, bastion of truth and paragon of virtue, made the whole thing up. Frankly, it’s disgusting. They say it’s because the president was jealous of Dr. Anthony Fauci, who threw out the first pitch for the Nationals at their home opener. As if Donald J. Trump would ever be jealous of some nerd in a lab coat. Fauci doesn’t even own any hotels.
The unassailable truth is that our president, who fights every day for us, isn’t able to throw with his cannon-like arm, which people have called “stronger than a howitzer and twice as deadly” because he’s addressing the biggest crises this country has every seen.
If we have any hope of remaining the world leader in Covid-19 deaths we need the steady leadership of the president at this critical time. He’s far too busy to throw out a first pitch right now.
Not to mention, the real issue here is that every president throws out a first pitch. It’s boring, it’s passe, it’s old hat. Donald Trump is not any president, he’s the president. Which is why he shouldn’t throw out the first pitch for the Yankees … HE SHOULD BE THE STARTING PITCHER FOR THE YANKEES. I don’t care how many millions of dollars a baseball team pays for an arm, there is absolutely nobody who has the kind of giant, throbbing brain that Trump has. Pair those smarts with that arm, which has been compared to an elephant’s trunk, and there’s no telling what he could do.
Person. Woman. Man. Camera. TV — all of them shocked and awed by the velocity of his perfect pitches. Entire sides struck out in minutes. Towels being thrown from the dugout with opponents saying “we quit, this is just impossible,” but no, there’s no quitting in baseball so you need to endure your beat down for the entire 16 minutes it takes, but you’ll get to go home early for supper, because Trump will hit 15 home runs and embarrass you in the process.
Advancements in science will need to take place just to capture Trump’s pitching on TV. It will be impossible for modern cameras to track the ball. People will turn their heads and say “did he throw it yet?” because the ball will leave his hand with such velocity and force that it will break the sound barrier, and instead of the signature “crack” of Mach-1 being shattered, instead it will sound like an eagle screeching the word “FREEDOM” at the end of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert.
I, for one, am ready.
